New York

New York’s a bitch. But, you know, the kind that you keep going back to, even though she never treated you right.

She’ll laugh at you as soon as look at you, because, after all, both you and she know that she’s way out of your league.

Sometimes I’d call her, and she’d answer the phone with a smile in her voice. She’s so nice when she wants to be. And we’d talk, and she’d spend the whole conversation asking about me, about what I’m up to, and what my plans are for the summer. And as I talked to her about myself, I started to feel big, like maybe she’s interested in me after all.

But then, I purposefully never asked about her. I didn’t want to know her summer plans or how her job’s been, because I know that whatever she says in reply will prove just how uneven we really are as a couple. It’s hard to swallow, you know?

But I love her, I do. She is so clever and bright. She’s got this static energy all around her, that’s great to watch, and even better to touch. When she’s flying high and takes you with her, you feel like, for the first time, you can actually see the curvature of the earth.

But then she drops you. In just the blink of an eye she’ll let you fall. I don’t think it’s because she hates me or wants to watch how helpless I really am. I just think she doesn’t actually think about me that much. When I’m on her mind, the world’s beautiful, but when when she’s moved on, she leaves me in darkness without a second thought.

Can you fault her, though? I’m still not sure. I watch her sometimes, so happy and alive without me, and know that she’ll always be that way, no matter who she is with.

One time I asked her if she loved me, and she smiled with that sad “how can I say this” look she gets sometimes, and replied, “Yes of course. But really, I love everyone.”

And I believe her.

What I wonder, though, is am I at fault or is she, for how frustrating this reply is? Is it wrong for me to want to have someone to myself—exclusively? To want to be loved more than the rest? I can’t tell if my anger is due to some societal construct that says happiness is found in possession, or if I actually have just recognized a deep, intrinsically human, truth. Is it intrinsically human to wish to be loved exclusively?

Now don’t get me wrong, I think she’s a great girl. And what’s even weirder, is I think she’d make a great mom. But, all I’m saying is, if you think you’re the kind of man who can finally make her settle down and behave… well…

Good luck with that.

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